When Don Bosco put loving kindness at the heart of his way
of working he was following a long tradition. Buddhism uses the word “metta” for
loving kindness. The original Judaic scripture uses the word “chesed”
(pronounced hessed) and even Homer, writing in about 800 BCE, used the word “agape”
which was later adopted by Christians to describe loving kindness. This
cardinal virtue of the Catholic Church, often described as charity, is a
natural healer, a builder of relationships and a sign of God’s love alive in
people. So isn't it surprising that such a vital virtue is under threat in our
culture and even in our family lives?
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Our culture favours the rugged, independent individual, the soloist
hero who needs no other person. Our schools can favour such a strong focus on self-development
that kindness is overshadowed by personal success. The business world takes a
narrow view of work and measures the profit and loss of every action leaving
kindness in the shadows as an optional by-product of the workplace. Those who
help others are often seen as “soft”. Helping a friend in the school yard, for
example, will often draw jeers before praise from other pupils. Empathy is being
overwhelmed by competition and success and kindness could become a forgotten
virtue.
But just because kindness is in the shadows does not mean
that it is absent, far from it. Our experience is full of acts of random
kindness that make life worth living. Motorist breaking down on the road,
people short of bus fare and involved in accidents all witness to the existence
of a web of loving kindness beneath the surface of our busy lives. Here is just
one example:
At a football game between
Millwall and Portsmouth, I was drunk as usual. A policewoman was ushering us fans
back towards the station when she saw me staggering and went to arrest me for
being drunk. Seeing that I was not disorderly, she asked if I was OK. I said:
"Yes, fine, just having a good time." She said it didn't look like
much fun and asked whether I drank often. I replied: "Every day" and I
cried.
She held my arm gently and told
me to stop drinking. Life was too good to drink every day, she told me. She
said I looked too good to be a drunk and was too good a man to die young. The
policewoman looked at me with pity and a kindness that made me cry again and
think. Two months or so later I got sober. I haven't had a drink in 17 years.
Ian Geddes[i]
These acts of kindness seed our lives with hope and yet they
rarely make their way into the newspapers that prefer to sell themselves on
fear and disaster. Even in our conversations we tend to focus on what went
wrong during the day and are less likely to name and celebrate the goodness we
have received. We focus on fear and in so doing we depart from the preventive
system of Don Bosco and lose ourselves in a network of fear that Don Bosco
described as the repressive system. That repressive system, operating in
schools, workplaces and in families airbrushes kindness from life and leaves us
all poorer as a result.
Yet psychology tells us that loving kindness activates the
same parts of our brain that sex and chocolate stimulate! Not only that,
kindness reduces the effects of ageing, depression and immune system strength.[ii]
It seems that even psychology has woken up to the benefits of loving kindness
and wants us to focus more on that part of life because, as another
psychologist has said:
“it will make you a better human
being and create a better society overall”
Stephan Klein[iii]
So whilst being kind to others has seriously positive effects on an individual, it can also create a stronger sense of belonging and of community. The second part will only be true if we learn to focus on the positive, the kindness and understanding we experience each day.
That means noticing that kindness has been shown,
remembering that experience and perhaps talking about it later. That
remembering of loving kindness brings it from below our personal radar and
allows us to share it with family and community. In time we will learn to see
loving kindness and share it more easily with others and perhaps resist the competitive
fear that stalks many of our lives. Don Bosco created a space called the
oratory which was safe from the harshness of the streets around a chaotic area
of Turin. Within he created a home, a playground, a school and church for young
people. It was a school of kindness where the young people themselves received
kindness and learnt to give it in equal measure.
Today that oratory atmosphere is needed more than ever so
that every family, school and workplace can become a seedbed of loving
kindness. Kindness is not for wimps- it takes courage to be kind because it
makes you vulnerable. You may be laughed at or exploited or even attacked. Yet
kindness challenges our individualised culture and can transform it from
within. This is especially true for those who carry authority in the family,
the school or the workplace. Terse, top-down instructions tend to create
repression and resistance whereas kindness creates community. With community
comes energy, self-sacrifice and healing. With repression resistance and
fragmentation are the long term results.
Don Bosco’s spirituality challenges every culture to build
life around loving kindness. Partly that is because it works- it brings people
to life. But more importantly Don Bosco realised from his early experience that
in giving and receiving kindness he was in touch with the love that moves the
world which Christians call The Father. Don Bosco saw this Fatherly love
everywhere and in the most ordinary acts of kindness, smiles and gestures of
understanding. Recognising that God was so close allowed Don Bosco to be cheerful
and optimistic about even the most wayward young people.
Ten tips for putting
kindness at the centre of your life
- 1. At the end of the day remember the good things that have happened.
- 2. Allow yourself to be cared for and praised by others and say thank you.
- 3. Notice how good and patient people are around you even if they sometimes aren’t kind.
- 4. When people get into a moaning session distract the focus to make it more hopeful
- 5. Tell people you appreciate them and praise them.
- 6. Don’t let your timetable become so rigid that you can’t help out a friend.
- 7. Forgive other people for not being perfect and trust them with a fresh start.
- 8. Risk being kind to someone who seems a bit scary.
- 9. Pray for those who are having a hard time
- 10. Be gentle and kind to yourself when things go wrong
A A Buddhist Prayer for Kindness
